Can we talk? Like, really talk

There we sat, on my beige sofa, in my first home - a small but perfect-for-us-at-the-time townhouse. I had a great job in a field I loved, I had a good family and caring friends, a wonderful husband and the sweetest cocker spaniel puppy. I was young and successful...and miserable. 

There we sat. I had invited a dear friend over for a visit. I was pensive and she knew it. Out of the silence, I said “I feel like nobody talks about real things anymore.” She watched me, considering what I was saying and trying to figure out the best way to respond in a comforting way.

She said “Do you think we are having a real conversation?” in a reassuring tone implying that we were dear friends and of course all of our conversations were “real”.

“Yes”, I lied. More silence.

Eventually her then-boyfriend (now husband) came to collect her, we hugged, said we would get together again soon and she left.

There I sat, on my beige sofa, by myself. I was left alone with that unaddressed question - why don’t people have real conversations anymore?

What I couldn’t articulate then and what has taken me years to begin to figure out and what I expect to continue to explore throughout my lifetime, is that when we are children we come into this world unafraid and without any barriers up to protect our emotional wellbeing. As we get older and as life deals us some difficult circumstances we seem to start shielding ourselves and our emotions.

It’s completely understandable, right? If you put your hand on the stove and get burnt, you don’t put your hand back on the stove. Likewise, if you open up to someone, show vulnerability, stretch your heart out for connection and it is not reciprocated (or worse, it is used against you in some way), you stop opening up. It makes sense. It’s self-preservation. It’s how humans have evolved for survival. 

But what our well-intended protection mechanisms have done for us is closed us off. And what that ultimately manifests as, is isolation and loneliness. Any new mom can attest to this feeling of isolation and loneliness - when you are surrounded by people (or infants, as it may be) all day every day and yet there is this deep sense of isolation and loneliness that accompanies you throughout the day.

When you’re a child or adolescent, you talk. You talk A LOT to your friends or family or teachers or coaches or strangers.  I remember late nights on the phone talking to my friends about life - about boys and school and the future and music and sports and the meaning of life and sharing secrets - anything and everything that came to mind. I remember talking all night to friends and then hanging up and getting dressed for school (oh the energy of youth!) And those conversations were had with such an openness and innocence that only youth can offer. 

But as we get older and start putting up those shields, one by one, we start closing ourselves off. We start talking about less, or talking to fewer people or a combination of those until we get to a point (for me it was in my 20s) where we only have conversations about the weather. 

And this all happens with a subtlety I can only liken to erosion - you can’t even tell it’s happening until you find yourself having conversations all day about the weather, or traffic or the housing market.

Not that there’s anything wrong with talking about those things! Weather can be fascinating and certainly important for planning an outing. And if you’re commuting or looking to buy a house, these are important topics. But there is so much more to life...there is so much more to talk about and explore with one another. Isn’t it fascinating that we’re all here on Earth? What the heck are we doing here?? What drives you? What gets you out of bed in the morning? What’s really valuable to you? Why lights you up? What are you curious about?

So now as I get older...what I have come to understand is what I was really looking for in that question of “Why don’t we have real conversations anymore?” was human connection and authenticity. We’re all in this crazy game of life together so let’s explore it! Tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine. Tell me what keeps you up at night. Tell me what inspires you. Tell me about that thing you’ve always wanted to try. Tell me about your regrets. Tell me how the universe saved you from yourself (easier to see in retrospect!). Tell me what brings you joy.

Don’t tell me what the temperature is outside. Don’t tell me when the housing market bubble is going to burst. Rather, I want to know you deeply. What I think you and I will both discover is that underneath it all...the labels, the job titles, the colour of our skin, the money in our bank account...is that we are really all the same. We will reflect similarities to each other that aren’t visible on the surface. And to me, that is the beauty of this life. That is authenticity. 

Our connection with others is the answer to my question.