I need...space.

I stared at my calendar, first cup of coffee in hand. I saw all the blue blocks of time adjacent to one another. My day (my life that day) was scheduled from the time I logged on to the time I would log off to pick up my kids from school. I had back to back meetings all day. I skimmed through the meetings to see if I really needed to be in them (I am conscious of not meeting just for the sake of meeting). But I did. There was a reason I needed to be at each of them. I was being consulted on something or was collecting information from someone. They were all legit. Hmm.

I know this is a familiar tune. I know people do this day after day. So I started my day and got through a few of them and happily so - I love the work I do and the people I work with so this is time well-spent. But then around noon, with my head spinning from the information exchanged in the first half of the day, I knew I still had another half a day of meetings to go. I couldn’t do it. I felt totally overwhelmed by the prospect of just going through the motions. Not because I couldn’t participate in meetings or because I wouldn’t find them valuable or enjoyable but because I just needed...space. Space to breathe, space to think, space to process, space to create, space for perspective. Space to just be.

I messaged my colleague and said “I won’t be at the meeting at 230. I need space.” That’s all I could think of to offer as an explanation. I’m not double- or triple-booked, I’m not sick, I don’t need those 30 minutes to get an important deliverable out the door. I just need...space.

I didn’t use that time to update my to-do list or to fire out some quick emails or to start working on all the things I promised in the morning meetings. I used those 30 minutes to clear my head. In fact, I used those 30 minutes to get out of my head and back into the present moment...back into my life. I got a glass of water, I stared out the window, I meditated for a few minutes. From an outsider’s perspective, it was an unremarkable 30 minutes. But it was the best thing I could have done for myself that day - it was refreshing and when I joined my next meeting I felt more present, more energized and more me. 

I know for me, when I drag myself from commitment to commitment (both personally and professionally) exhausted and depleted, I am not serving others well from that space of being and I am certainly not serving myself. And this is my life, after all - my one shot.

I think this may be new territory for some and I can almost hear the gasps of judgement from those reading this, saying “how dare you be unproductive for 30 minutes! I would never be so lazy.” But I think we have it all backwards. I think whatever kind of work you do, it requires a certain level of creativity and inspiration. And I would argue that those are the first two qualities - creativity and inspiration - to be sacrificed in the name of constantly being “on”. I truly believe that all of us would benefit from having more space in our lives. Unscheduled, unoccupied, void of checking your phone space so that we can call back from the ether those critical qualities - creativity and inspiration.

And this is not just at work - this is life. I’ve shared a few posts recently about becoming unbusy. I hear this resonating with a lot of people - I know everyone is tired of being busy - both literally and figuratively tired. And when we talk about becoming unbusy, we’re really talking about creating that space for ourselves. Giving ourselves the gift of space so that we can reconnect with ourselves. 

Recently my husband was away on a business trip so I was solo-parenting. First of all, my hat is off to all of you who solo-parent regularly. I mean, holy cow. And of course I enjoyed my time with the kids but similar to that day full of meetings, I was always “on”. And I know that when Jack is home and I have the luxury to sneak away for a few minutes (or sometimes many minutes) then I come back refreshed and they get a better version of mommy. 

So what I’m proposing here, is for all of us to give ourselves permission to take the space we need. And what that looks like will be very unique to you - maybe it’s taking a walk in nature, maybe it’s painting a picture, maybe it’s sitting and staring, maybe it’s reading a delicious book. But I promise you, nobody will give this to you. And frankly, it’s not anyone else’s to give. It’s your permission to give to yourself. It’s your space to take. Do it without guilt and without fear. It’s your life, take all the space you need.